Hello Thais,

Forgive my late reply.

Listen, you have to first focus on yourself. As much as it hurts to hear, you have to keep working for yourself first, make sure you pass out of college and try and get a job. It’s difficult and that is true but sometimes, we have to take responsibility over ourselves. So for now, focus on yourself, pay attention to what you need to get through.

Secondly, if you can try and get help for your father, I strongly advise that you do. Alcoholics can prove to be dangerous in their inebriated state.

Finally, about your mother, if you can, leave little cue cards for her to help jog her memory. Leave them around the place, leave them beside her bed or in her purse or her closet. Try and sit with her and talk to her for half hour at the very least, fill her up with the things she might have forgotten.

Be patient, darling. I know it’s hard when things are in chaos all around you but you need to maintain yourself before you can help others. Alright? <3

x.

San

*hugs* Apologies, both of us have been rather busy of late, though we both want to help.

As you’re anonymous, we’ll need some help to figure out which question is yours, and to determine if we actually received it (sometimes Tumblr can be weird about that).  Can you tell us a bit about your question so we can try to find and answer it?

- Drew

*hugs tight* Dear, please hold on. I know you feel isolated and alone right now, but I know there are people in your life who care very deeply about you, and will support you if you can open up about what you’re going through.

And I know you’re frightened of judgment, you’re terrified of telling, and you feel much shame about how you feel.  Even asking for help here must have been a hard thing to do, though I am so very glad you did.

Dear…silence, while you’re suffering, is a prison.  And I know how safe it can feel sometimes, like you’re protecting vulnerability, like keeping secrets is the only armor you have.  But dear…it is a prison.  Silence does not keep you safe, it keeps you from being free.  You asked me what you can do to be happy…and I will tell you honestly: break your silence.  

The flip side of this is to break the silence to those who you can trust to understand, and I know that can be much harder, especially because feelings of shame and fear of judgment can make it seem like there is no safe person to talk to…but there are safe people, there are understanding people.  

With peers, friends your age, many do not understand what depression really is.  They think it’s just being sad, or a sign of weakness, and they might give useless and hurtful advice like “just get over it” or “just be happy” or “try not to think about it”, as if it was really that easy.  And we both know it isn’t.  It isn’t easy.  Those who do not understand will often be unable to help you, and yes, sometimes, like with your friends, it can make it feel worse, and make the idea of trusting others scarier.

But while there are those who do not understand…dear, there are those who do.  There are many who do, and though often those most skilled at listening and understanding are those who have gone through depression themselves, there are a great many who have not suffered through this, yet can understand, can empathize, and know that it is a big deal, and that you will need help and support to get through this and find your happiness again.  As for who to share with…if you are in a school or college, look for a counselor of some kind.  I do highly encourage you to speak with a parent about it, provided you have a parent who cares about you and your well being.  It may help to look for and print out a page with information about depression, specially aimed to inform parents, and give this to your parent before speaking with them.  A mother, father, or guardian who cares for you and your happiness is the best ally you can have.  If this is an option for you, please, dear, take it.

Dear…silence is a prison, and as you say you want happiness, it’s a prison you want to escape from.  I know the idea of telling someone is so very scary right now, but understand, one of the reasons why depression is such a hard thing to face and heal from is because it cuts you off from those who can help you the most.  It silences you.  That’s how it keeps you to itself and continues your suffering.  Sharing lets the light in.  It lets fresh air in.  It starts unlocking that cell you believe is protecting you.  

This seems like a hard step right now, I know.  And if the thought of doing this is still too much for you, then at the least, dear, I encourage you to go online, or get a book, and start reading about depression, start informing yourself about how it works, what it does to people, and how to face it.  Depression is an enemy….learn about it, know your enemy, and you take away some of its power.  You have options.  You have the ability to start to understand what it’s doing, how it cuts you off from help, and to counter it.  And when you’re ready for that next step, there are depression hotlines, or blogs like this ready to support you and help give you the spark of courage or hope or will that leads to taking that next healing step.

Hang in there, dear.  Death is a permanent solution, one that you cannot take back, one that spreads suffering to those who love you.  I know you want this pain to end, but I also know you want to be happy.  There are options for you, and I hope I’ve offered some for you to pursue.  There is hope, dear, I truly believe you can find someone who will understand and help free you.  

I believe in you, and I believe in your happiness, both your right to reclaim it, and your ability to attain it.  Hang in there.  Your story is not over.

- Drew

What’s wrong? Why are you depressed? Let me help you.

x.

San

Don’t think it’s over just yet, love.

There are 7 billion people out there. Sure, you’re not going to meet all of them but you sure as hell will meet a lot more people to know.

I know it’s hard but just know that you are you and you are wonderful just as you are.

x.

San

Well, for one, to be sad is to know that you’re feeling something intense. Just like how we feel happiness or anger with complete intensity. So, there’s nothing wrong in feeling what you’re feeling.

Dear, how do we solve this problem without knowing the root cause of this? So let me ask you, why are you depressed? What has hurt you to bring you down? Once we’re abe to address that in a healthy way, only then we can figure out what’s happening to you physically.

I also suggest you stop repeating hurtful words. Take it from me, the power of words is unbelievable. Keep the words positive, always. Never ever stray into the negative zone. But just positive words is not going to get you anywhere, you actually have to believe it and take action to make sure those words have an effect on you.

Now tell me, why are you depressed, darling?

x.

San

Your life comes first. Do what you must do in order to make sure your life is stable. I know how difficult it is to leave your friends, family and loved ones behind but like I said, if you have the chance to work out your life, I suggest you pay attention to that. Your boyfriend isn’t going to go anywhere if he loves you and wishes to be with you. Don’t worry about your friends, they won’t leave either. Focus on yourself. Alright? <3

x.

San

This is always a hard situation to be in, trying to balance concern for your friend and her happiness and safety with respecting her trust and friendship.

In the case where you can’t even talk to her about it, where she isn’t talking to anyone about it, that limits your options quite a bit.  Obviously, if you feel that there’s a strong possibility of taking her life, then please talk to someone.  If you need to, contact a suicide hotline and get their advice on what to do, as they deal with this situation a lot.

If you don’t feel there’s a danger of her taking her life, it still might be a good idea to call a self-harm hotline and get their take on what to do.  

As for confrontation or telling her mom, those choices greatly depend on how you’re communicating with her, and how you think her family would react.  I’m wondering how you’ve tried to talk to her about this before.  She is likely sensitive about this, so any perceived disapproval or judgment toward her will cause her to reject what you’re saying or offering.  If instead you come to her saying that you value her happiness and health, and that you’re sad when she cuts because that’s harming those things you value and want to keep, she may open up a bit.  

Or she might not, especially if you say that she doesn’t listen to you or take you seriously.  She might be beyond your ability to communicate with or empathize with at this point.  

I’m always conflicted about betraying trust…but understand also that not acting when harm is occurring might be a greater act of betrayal, if you care for her.  You may want to search online for resources for parents to understand cutting, to get past self-harm myths, and on what to do and not do when communicating with a self-harming child.  If you’re going to talk to her mom about it, you may want to give her those resources, and let her know you care about her, and maybe even talk about how conflicted you feel about this because you don’t want to lose her trust, yet as her friend you can’t stand by and let her suffer.

This is always a very hard choice to make.  I can’t tell you which is the right one, though I tend to lean toward confronting the issue in some way as opposed to allowing the harm to continue.  When she looks back on her life years later, she may be thankful toward the friends who helped confront and end a painful time in her life rather than to allow her to keep hurting herself.

Also keep in mind the self harm is usually in response to something.  She could be depressed.  Or something may have happened in her life where she feels ashamed or in pain, and self harm is her way of controlling it. So be aware of what might be fueling this.  Confronting the self-harm is one thing, but for there to be any positive outcome, the underlying reasons and cause will need to be addressed too.  That may not be something you can do anything about, but just keep that in mind.

Wishing peace to all of you.

- Drew

It’s a wonderful thing to want to aid your friend in her times of utmost need.  It must be a painful time for all of you.  It’s also going to be a confusing time.  

The first thing you may want to understand is that while suppressing emotion, by not allowing yourself to project or feel sadness or to cry may seem courageous and brave, it can actually be very harmful, and not done for the reasons you suspect.  

It really hinges on her actual mindset and how she feels, and that may be hard to find out.  If she is truly accepting and has made peace with what’s happening, then she’s not struggling on the inside.  But if she’s actually suppressing what she’s feeling, then it’s a different matter entirely.

Sometimes we just shut down when something terrible happens to us or our loved ones.  Sometimes not feeling is the coping mechanism we use to escape that pain.  And that may seem like bravery, and that may delay the pain, but emotion demands to be felt.  Suppressing it will only last so long.  At some point she will need to vent that emotion, to let herself feel it, and if she doesn’t, it will only build up, perhaps silently and without attracting notice, and fester into something harmful.  

Being a good friend to her means giving her the freedom to express that sadness, to become vulnerable enough to cry or to talk about it because you’ve given her a safe space and time for her to do so.  You can’t force this, only she can allow herself to open to you.  But whether or not she does, letting her know, sincerely, that you’re there for her if she needs someone to talk to, or if she feels emotionally exhausted and needs to let that out, is a good thing.  

So be her friend.  Be open.  Be kind.  Be patient.  Be understanding.  Let her know you’re available.  Don’t push.  Don’t force sympathy, especially if she finds it irritating or distressing.  If you don’t know what she wants or needs, ask.  And if she turns down your offer to talk or help, let her know you understand, and that the offer stands if she changes her mind.  

I’m wishing peace to you both during this hard time.

- Drew

First and foremost, please don’t take your life. Please hang on. And for the sake of those who care for you and love you, ask for help when you’re in need. I know it sometimes seems as if things will always continue as you see them now, without change, yet that’s the insidious illusion depression creates. Life is change. Hang on.

It can be a very hard thing, not quite knowing who you are or are meant to be in the world.  Not knowing your purpose.  I know how lost that can feel, when you start associating your value as a person with how you feel you fit (or don’t fit) in the world.  Here’s a few perspectives that may help you out here:

I need you to understand that your purpose isn’t something that is predefined, nor is there one and only one purpose for how you might find satisfaction within yourself and for your place in the world.  Purpose isn’t about trying to fit into expectations, whether it’s society’s or your own.  

Purpose also isn’t about excelling.  It’s easy to think so, but here’s a few things to think about: those that feel they have truly found their purpose weren’t always excellent at what they do.  I know it’s easy to think that purpose is about innate talent, the kind that make the job effortless.  If you buy into the media, they might have you believing that, that it’s about someone’s special ability, their own mini superpower that makes it oh so easy to excel.  And there are some who have talents, but more often than not, it takes time, effort, and learning to improve your abilities.  

I can understand how failure can lead to depression, but I need you to understand that failure and mistakes are not dead ends.  They are an integral part of that path to improvement.  That’s our primary mode of learning, as humans, by discovering what won’t work, by making those mistakes, because it’s by those mistakes that we sharpen ourselves and hone our abilities.  

Writers especially make mistakes, all the time, very often falling short of what they want to write, failing, yet those failures are not dead ends.  That’s why there are multiple drafts, rewrites, back-and-forth submissions and rejections with editors, and periods of taking breaks to recover will, energy and perspective.  It is so very easy to simply look at a finished work, and marvel at how amazing it is, and not see all of the hard work and effort and repeated failure the author has wrestled with to improve and grow and produce that finished product.  You see the peak of the mountain, but you need to understand the climb and hardship it took for the author to reach that peak.  ”Failure” is always going to be a critical and necessary form of writing, but in this profession, failure is never an end, just a stepping stone, just a way of helping you improve to the level you want to reach.

You may want to check out Neil Gaiman’s blog, as he has quite a lot to say (usually when answering questions from aspiring writers) about failure.  Take this, for instance.

Back to “purpose.”  I’ve talked quite a bit about what purpose isn’t.  I don’t fully know what it is, but I’ve got some theories:

Purpose, for one, is about satisfaction.  It’s about contentment.  And I’m not just talking about the end-product, I’m talking about the journey and work and effort it took to get there.  Purpose is about the passion and enjoyment of what you do, for if you feel these things, then surely you will feel that you’ve found your purpose.  So rather than look to excelling as your measurement of achieving purpose, look to enjoyment.  There are many out there who HAVE found things they excel in…but often they don’t enjoy those things at all.  So seek that which excites you.  Seek that which makes you feel like you’re not even working a job, but getting paid to do something you love.  Find that which you’re passionate about.  If you’re pursuing writing, ask yourself if it’s the finished product and the triumph you imagine when you get there that propels you, or if you enjoy the ACT of writing, if you find satisfaction when you let your words flow.  

Once you’ve found something you’re passionate about, something you want to try, let that passion propel you into it.  Learn about it.  In the case of writing, learn about the writing process, what actual authors go through.  Understanding that landscape, the behind-the-scenes that is hidden from you, might give you a better perspective as to how you’re doing.  

As for new things…recognizing you have an dislike of new things is the first step, one you’ve already taken.  I know you don’t want to hear this, but experiencing the new and experimenting is an integral part of life, and even moreso with writing.  It’s hard, at the beginning, to make that jump and start trying something new.  It’s like a diving board moment…frozen on the diving board, looking down, doubting your ability to make that jump, telling yourself you just need some more time to build up your courage, just a little more time, just a little more, but as long as you keep allowing yourself that time, you won’t jump, you’ll be hypnotized by the distance and the doubts in your head.  Sometimes, you just have to shove your doubts to the side and jump.  Take action.  Maybe write down a list of new things that aren’t TOO far out of your comfort zone, and commit to doing at least one of those things within a specific timeframe.  Change a hazy idea of something new into something focused, something you can act upon. Then do it.  Might you fail?  Sure, probably.  But who’s to say that that’s the last word?  The only way we get better at confronting something new is through repetition and experience and learning from our mistakes.  

So if you’re going to hone yourself, if you’re going to forge your ability, you’re going to have to try, and keep trying, and keep practicing, and keep making what mistakes will come and learning from them, adapting to what you learn.  You can’t get to the top of the mountain if you don’t allow yourself to learn to climb it.  

- Drew